13

So I was just trying to think of all the things you've missed, but 13 years is such a long time. 

I remember thinking, as we sat in the cinema to watch the first Harry Potter film,

'God, Ben would've loved this.' 

Then we watched Fellowship of the Ring. Man, you'd have adored those films too. All through our childhood you talked about when a decent Lord of the Rings film would be made, how special effects couldn't handle such fantastical imagery. But it did. The year you died, you silly sod.

You missed the whole 'twin towers' thing too. I'm not sorry about that. I feel sure you'd have upheld the conspiracy theorists view with vigour, challenging us all. Never fear Ben, Harry and Gabe did a sterling job in your stead. Not at the time mind you, but in the subsequent years. Actually, Harry is so like you it often makes me ache. He can take any subject and any view of it and argue inexhaustibly until we all pretty much see things the same way. It's uncanny, really, how he can do that! If he wasn't so lovely, he could be a politician.

Just like you.

You didn't see Nick and Shelley get married. To be fair, none of us did but we did see him happy which is something he so richly deserved after losing his house, his dogs. You. He's been poorly for the last few years, which has been a worry. It's really knocked his confidence, I think. Things seem to be getting back on track for him now. In fact he'll be here tomorrow, to build a wall. 'Here' is Bathampton. We moved back in 2012. It's wonderful Ben. I see more of Seb now too, as he and Anoushka adore Bath. I'm secretly hoping they'll settle nearby in the future.

Well, he doesn't have much to keep him in Sherborne.

We lost Adelaide you know. Not in that sense but as well as. She was always a headstrong young bean and so I feel this will not surprise you in the slightest. Seb didn't cope with it at all well. He was sort of in the middle of it all, watching helplessly as things just fell apart. I know this sounds heartbreaking and tragic but he had Anoushka and baby Grace to temper the blows and has emerged a stronger, finer and lovelier man. If that was in any way possible. So as I write this, 13 years on, your boy has a good, strong sense of self, a stunning wife and a gorgeous little family. You'd be so proud. I wish I had news about Adelaide but that's how it is. Sorry.

Gabe's buggered off to Guildford. He's at ACM university, studying music. He'll go far, that one. In fact we're relying on him to pay for our old age! No, not really. Though I'm sure he would if he could. I think you'd love my boys, Ben. They're both elements of us three - the better elements, obviously.

What else. Current affairs? Well, we're Tory again. But Labour, by the end, was verging on the Tory anyway so... The future is a worry. UKIP seem to be marching ahead, gathering uneducated supporters and filling them with hate. That's all we need isn't it, more hatred in the world. Where is the love? Another American high school shooting yesterday. That's 143 in America alone since after you died. 143 Ben. I think of all those sisters out there, victims of these shootings. So many thoughts, so many tears.

Ahh, time to go. I thought I'd just get these few things out of my head before I open the wine.

©Lisa Lee 2014